Two-Sides of the Same Mirror: Reflections in Healing a Relationship with a partner suffering from Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. |
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Two of the most difficult issues to work with are that of two personality disorders on the
same continuum – borderlines and narcissists. I have heard from a number of therapists,
that they choose to not work with individuals who acknowledge themselves as having
these disorders. They feel that the odds of recovery and healing from these conditions are
too low. My point of interest isn't in helping those who are unfortunately plagued with
these issues but with the people that are in relationship with them.
Let’s explore the analogy of the mirror or looking glass. The narcissist is self-obsessed and
fixated on their self image. When a narcissist looks into the mirror, they observe a
grandiose sense of themselves, seeing an exaggerated view of their positive attributes,
while burying their many negative emotions. When they do this, they often seek out a
romantic relationship with someone who exhibits characteristics of ideals they wish they
had or once had. By projecting this ideal version of themselves onto another they can
never fully accept the other’s (or their own) authentic self. A narcissist expects others to
treat them as the God/Goddess/Queen/King and require unrelenting adoration. While per-
occupied with an all consuming sense of self-regard, the narcissist exhibits little if any
concern for others feelings, concerns or desires.
In a relationship with someone with borderline personality, you will come to understand
that they project their uncomfortable feelings onto you. They feel uncomfortable realizing
their own negative and dark aspects. This defense mechanism puts some distance between
the borderline personality and their own unresolved wounds. People in relationship with
borderlines are always made to feel that they are the source of the borderline’s anger, rage,
desperation, depression, angst, you name it. They want you to feel that he/she is your
Universe to the point of enmeshment. “If only you would meet my unmet needs”, is a
recurring theme.
The way these two show up is strikingly similar- lying, deceiving, having lack of concern
for others, and manipulating are all par for the course, though they may vary in their
degree of expression. Underlying all these negative behaviors is the need for control. They
can be verbally and emotionally abusive. They don’t easily accept blame for what is
wrong in the relationship. They can exhibit a great deal of self-containment of their dark
sides at the beginning of a relationship or when the relationship has the potential of
ending. Both true narcissistic and borderline personality disorders are difficult and
serious conditions that are only treated thoroughly by experts who specialize in them.
But, you can help yourself effectively with EFT if you find yourself in relationship with
someone who has either of these conditions. This is the part where you turn the mirror on
yourself. Many say that it is highly unlikely that these types will seek professional
assistance, so it behooves you to seek help for yourself.
While there are both similarities and differences between the two, EFT’s use for someone
in a relationship with a borderline or narcissist are almost identical. The first part of
healing is the acknowledgement that you can’t control another person nor can you really
and truly change for them. If you have attracted someone with these disorders it is likely
that you were conditioned to accept their behavior. The most likely place where received
this conditioning was from one or both of your parents. Your own unresolved pain and
anguish from having experienced these behaviors as a child will need to be released
through EFT to end the pattern that you now experience as an adult.
Here are some other ways to use EFT in this situation:
1. Make clear concise statements about your feelings and why you can’t do as they wish.
Make a list of your fears surrounding your ability to do this and fears of their response to
your statements. Notice and then tap on where you feel this contraction, anxiety, or fear
in your body.
2. Confusion can result from months or years of being told that you are to blame. Tap on
any guilt, shame, and/or embarrassment that you have done wrong and made mistakes.
3. Decide what you can’t live with anymore. Yes, we are talking about boundaries here
and the only way these work is if you prepare an action plan and are prepared to back
them up if need be. Use EFT to release fears about communicating your limits.
4. Tap on anything that stands in your way of believing that you deserve more than you
are getting in the relationship. It’s likely that your self-esteem has suffered and using
EFT to build yourself back up is important.
There is a huge difference between being narcissistic and having full blown NPD. Do you
carry mostly male, female, or narcissistic energy in a relationship? Take this quiz and see.
same continuum – borderlines and narcissists. I have heard from a number of therapists,
that they choose to not work with individuals who acknowledge themselves as having
these disorders. They feel that the odds of recovery and healing from these conditions are
too low. My point of interest isn't in helping those who are unfortunately plagued with
these issues but with the people that are in relationship with them.
Let’s explore the analogy of the mirror or looking glass. The narcissist is self-obsessed and
fixated on their self image. When a narcissist looks into the mirror, they observe a
grandiose sense of themselves, seeing an exaggerated view of their positive attributes,
while burying their many negative emotions. When they do this, they often seek out a
romantic relationship with someone who exhibits characteristics of ideals they wish they
had or once had. By projecting this ideal version of themselves onto another they can
never fully accept the other’s (or their own) authentic self. A narcissist expects others to
treat them as the God/Goddess/Queen/King and require unrelenting adoration. While per-
occupied with an all consuming sense of self-regard, the narcissist exhibits little if any
concern for others feelings, concerns or desires.
In a relationship with someone with borderline personality, you will come to understand
that they project their uncomfortable feelings onto you. They feel uncomfortable realizing
their own negative and dark aspects. This defense mechanism puts some distance between
the borderline personality and their own unresolved wounds. People in relationship with
borderlines are always made to feel that they are the source of the borderline’s anger, rage,
desperation, depression, angst, you name it. They want you to feel that he/she is your
Universe to the point of enmeshment. “If only you would meet my unmet needs”, is a
recurring theme.
The way these two show up is strikingly similar- lying, deceiving, having lack of concern
for others, and manipulating are all par for the course, though they may vary in their
degree of expression. Underlying all these negative behaviors is the need for control. They
can be verbally and emotionally abusive. They don’t easily accept blame for what is
wrong in the relationship. They can exhibit a great deal of self-containment of their dark
sides at the beginning of a relationship or when the relationship has the potential of
ending. Both true narcissistic and borderline personality disorders are difficult and
serious conditions that are only treated thoroughly by experts who specialize in them.
But, you can help yourself effectively with EFT if you find yourself in relationship with
someone who has either of these conditions. This is the part where you turn the mirror on
yourself. Many say that it is highly unlikely that these types will seek professional
assistance, so it behooves you to seek help for yourself.
While there are both similarities and differences between the two, EFT’s use for someone
in a relationship with a borderline or narcissist are almost identical. The first part of
healing is the acknowledgement that you can’t control another person nor can you really
and truly change for them. If you have attracted someone with these disorders it is likely
that you were conditioned to accept their behavior. The most likely place where received
this conditioning was from one or both of your parents. Your own unresolved pain and
anguish from having experienced these behaviors as a child will need to be released
through EFT to end the pattern that you now experience as an adult.
Here are some other ways to use EFT in this situation:
1. Make clear concise statements about your feelings and why you can’t do as they wish.
Make a list of your fears surrounding your ability to do this and fears of their response to
your statements. Notice and then tap on where you feel this contraction, anxiety, or fear
in your body.
2. Confusion can result from months or years of being told that you are to blame. Tap on
any guilt, shame, and/or embarrassment that you have done wrong and made mistakes.
3. Decide what you can’t live with anymore. Yes, we are talking about boundaries here
and the only way these work is if you prepare an action plan and are prepared to back
them up if need be. Use EFT to release fears about communicating your limits.
4. Tap on anything that stands in your way of believing that you deserve more than you
are getting in the relationship. It’s likely that your self-esteem has suffered and using
EFT to build yourself back up is important.
There is a huge difference between being narcissistic and having full blown NPD. Do you
carry mostly male, female, or narcissistic energy in a relationship? Take this quiz and see.
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