The word voyeur comes from the old French meaning of one who lies in wait.
It’s a perfect image for the subconscious mind that waits for the right moment to strike out with obsessive thoughts. A recent study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior (October 2011) found that people have an average of four non-sexual thoughts during a lovemaking session. The research failed to find a gender difference in the amount of these thoughts but did however find that what people think about does tend to follow along male–female lines. Among the categories of these mind-wandering trails, two appear frequently in my practice; judging sexual performance in men and body image concerns for women.
Alison came to see me when she couldn’t find pleasure with her boyfriend. They had been seeing each other for a number of years and although she found him physically and emotionally attractive, she couldn’t reach orgasm. One of the tools I learned from EFT founder Gary Craig was the process for discovering the roots of an issue by stating the simple directive, “Teach me to be you. If I want to experience the stress that you feel in bed, what would have to be in place?” When I asked Alison this question, she knew immediately that the answer was, “being naked!”
An attractive young woman now, Alison had been an obese teenager. Currently when she looks in the mirror she feels attractive but her thoughts in bed are always around feeling fat. The thoughts ranged from, “Oh no, he’s touching my belly! What must he be thinking?” to, “I look skinnier in this position. I have to make sure we stay in this one.” With the help of EFT and Matrix Reimprinting the subconscious beliefs that Alison still held about her body were cleared and within 3 sessions she was able to relax and reach climax every time.
Her boyfriend came to see me after baring witness to such a profound turn around in Alison. Mick wanted to be able to let go of the “spectatoring” (watching himself and judging his skill level) he was doing during their lovemaking in order to be more present and in the moment. Mick and Alison had studied Tantric Yoga and were both committed to discovering spiritual union through sex. One of the core tenants in Tantra is to be completely mindful but whenever they were together Mick’s thoughts would always turn to feelings of not being a good enough partner – after all he couldn’t get her to climax. The roots of this issue for Mick were planted long before he ever met Alison. We used EFT and Matrix Reimprinting to clear related events. One that stands out in particular was when he was five years old and was left behind by his older brothers and sisters. We tapped through all the aspects. In total, we worked on this issue for two sessions when he reported that his mind chatter had ceased and when a distraction would occur, he could quickly refocus on the pleasurable moment instead.
The worst voyeur in the bedroom is the one you create when you step outside of your body and critique the situation, your body or your performance. The study also found that those who reacted with anxiety in response to those less than amorous thoughts, were the ones with the greatest levels of sexual dysfunction. Tapping on the thoughts and feelings you have in bed while uncovering early related events is the sure-fire way to get that unwanted voyeur to scram!
